The Super Bowl without a Super Bowl….

This year marks the first time that I haven’t sat and watched the Super Bowl in memory.  The earliest one I remember is, of course, the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XX.  Now, 25 years later, I’m skipping one. Why? Not the whole concussion debate that’s given me a slight distaste for a sport I love.  Not the overarching consumerism (and associated brain damage) that each Super Bowl represents.  Not even the fact that this game was so clearly cursed, given the people injured by falling ice from the stadium (ice in Dallas in February?) or the several hundred people who came to Dallas with tickets but weren’t allowed in.

No, no. See, my wife and I unplugged our satellite TV at the beginning of the year, and we haven’t looked back.  We’ve been doing just great on a combination of Netflix, Hulu and antenna… but, for whatever reason, we can’t get Fox through our antenna, which is where the game’s hosted.  Combine that with being too broke to go to a bar (thanks, broken paychecks) and still lingering sickness from last week, and we’re marooned at home with no Super Bowl.

I kind of think a one-time pay-per-view ($19.99 or so?) available through PS3, XBox and Wii would be a good investment for the NFL, given the number of people who are dropping pay television.

So, what to do?  Well, how about a Super Bowl without a Super Bowl.  We watched the butchered national anthem by Christina Aguilera on Youtube — complete with the flyover that no one in the stadium could actually see… can you believe we spent taxpayer money on a flyover for television only?  I checked up on Twitter and Facebook to see what the predictably bad halftime show was like, and it was apparently worse than what anyone could’ve ever imagined.  “The musical equivalent of AIDS” said one friend.  “I would have rather seen a 10 minute closeup of Fergie’s asshole” said someone else.  That sounded about as appetizing as watching an autopsy on a fully conscious person, so I did without.

How else did we fill the void?  The proper Marxist way: watching all of the commercials, streamed free of that unnecessary football distraction, courtesy of Hulu.  I kept a running log of thoughts and questions…

• Why does the border guard in the Coke commercial have a tennis ball on his head?
• Where did the monkeys in the CareerBuilder.com commercial dig up an old 1980s Dodge (that was still running)?
• The Groupon commercial about Tibet was fucking sick. Yay, these people are exploited… but their food is damn good! Get a discount! (how American…)
• Hyundai… trying really hard to be less-boring by suggesting that its customers use acid.
• Let others go first with everything, like car buying? So, don’t buy a new car? (cars.com)
• Cowboys & Aliens in one movie, with Harrison Ford? Count me in… even if it looks a little like Wild, Wild West.
• The Chevy Cruze… get your Facebook status read to you, so that if she didn’t have a good date, you can run your shitty Chevy into a tree.
• Buy back at Best Buy – when will they buy Bieber back for good?
• Is that Prince John from Robin Hood: Men in Tights wielding a chainsaw? No. That’s some version of Roseanne, though.
• CarMax makes you feel like… a Marxist at an advertisement viewing?
• Dragons and gnomes and weird little furry creatures and an ice dragon and… Oh shit! It’s a Coke commercial, and now the dragon’s chasing the bad guys away!
• The Force is with you, Little Vader. (Who didn’t try to use the Force as a kid? What was that ad for again?)
• Another Transformers movie? I mean, the first two certainly didn’t explore all of the potential plot-lines…
• The hammer has the power of Thor and so… let’s call the movie THOR!
• From what I’ve heard about the halftime show, maybe using Will.I.Am to announce chatter.com wasn’t the best idea. What does it do? No one really knows.
• People who don’t look like white people in a place that doesn’t look like America are doing surgery in an unsterile environment… to give a trashcan human thumbs so it can play with a phone.
• Speilberg and Abrams get together and they come up with… a movie named after a shitty motel, starring the dude from Office Space?
• Captain America, the last superhero to get a new movie. Does this mean the terrorists have already won?
• “You hit reply-all.”  DahhhhH!hh1!!  “Oh, I was wrong.”  So, who wants tires?
• Secret agents drive Kia cars, spies hatch plots to steal Kias, Titan (a mythical sea creature) wants a Kia, and aliens too?  Um, that’s as far-fetched as that dragon drinks a Coke shit.
• Millionaires love them some Kenny G… and Audis?  Really?  At least Kenny G is finally in prison.
• Blonde lady gets hit by a Pepsi Max can, everyone wins.  Even that nerd named Werner, who chucks them at his bullies’ crotches.
• Doritos solve death? Okay, that was pretty fucked up, nightmarish even, when Grandpa came back. Does not make me want to eat chips.
• Suck your co-worker’s fingers and sniff his pants! It’s okay, they’re Dorito crumbs! Does not make me want to eat chips.
• Pug takes down the door… yes, pugs would do that for any food.  They’re little torpedos.
• Claymation Eminem advertising Eminem, er Brisk. What is Brisk?  Like Four Loko?  Sounds like a more reasonable endorsement.
• And Chrysler?  Well, until that point I had been thinking about trying a Brisk, whatever the fuck that is.  It’s a good ad, but Mr. Mathers, why are you shilling the world’s junkiest cars?
• Oh no, not a bobblehead bunny!  Really going for the hip folks, eh Hyundai?
• “Dear Kim, your rack is unreal.”  Dude, that was not your heart talking, that was your dick.
• Sure, Germans would go build cars in the U.S…. relatively cheap labor, high tech and big market so little transport cost. Guys? BMW is exploiting us…
• Old diesel cars stink, yeah we know… but they’re fuel efficient.  Volvo wagons are still awesome, and I can’t afford a new BMW.
• Get it? The white hoodie people are iPad users who are like everyone else.  You can be different if you buy a Motorola XOOM, which is NOTHING like an iPad. NOTHING.
• Oh, Chevy… using the Americanism again to sell your crappy cars.  Faux Ben Franklin, Faux Hendrix, and Faux Steve Jobs. Why doesn’t Chevy hire innovative people like that instead of ripping off Toyota and Hyundai?
• Also, Chevy Trucks now come with the Lassie feature.  Is it a monthly fee like OnStar?  Can you turn it off?
• Oh, it’s fun to make light of old peoples’ inability to hear speech, or think clearly.  Next scene should have been one of those old people driving a Cruze at 11 mph down the interstate. Or moving to Florida. Or complaining about how their kids don’t call often enough.
• Cowboys singing “Tiny Dancer.”  I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t’ve been okay with anything about Elton John.
• If we put Bud Light crap in our Three Musketeers rip-off movie, we get lots of shitty beer for FREE!
• Could “Hack Job” get sued for devaluing a kitchen by putting a bucket of Bud Light there?
• Another sick Groupon commercial. Whales are endangered, but we can sure spend cash to go watch them!  I don’t think I will ever do anything with Groupon.
• LivingSocial.com, the best website for becoming a cross-dresser. Log on now!
• Still don’t know what Chatter.com is… seems like something sold by peddlers of snake oil. Makes folks skinny, helps them get along with people, gets them jobs, gives them head?
• Pirates of the Caribbean: Who Gives a Fuck Anymore?  (dude, this movie franchise is based on a theme park ride).
• Hotels hate your guts, so get a home on HomeAway.com… and your baby won’t smush his softspot.

And the rest of the night?  I spent it watching Eureka Season 3 with the love of my life, snacking on Giant Eagle cookies and just hanging out. Much better than watching football teams I don’t care about.

The game?  Rumor has it, the Packers won… which like my judgement of the halftime show, is solely according to Facebook and Twitter.

Tilting at Windmills: One Final Look at a College Football Playoff

Last week, I posted an entry that had a few different scenarios creating a playoff system for college football.

This week, I update those brackets with new results (the final games of the regular season) and expand them, including brackets of 16, 20, 24, 28, 32, 40 and 48 teams.  I used the same methodology as the last post, so read more about it there.

Oh, what could have been….

The 16-team bracket. Main differences from last week:

• Shuffling of 7-8-9 seeds to account for Oklahoma’s victory in the Big 12 Championship Game over Nebraska.
• Rise of Virginia Tech to #11 thanks to a victory in the ACC Championship.
• Replacement of Boise State with Nevada, since the Wolf Pack won the WAC Championship and Boise wasn’t quite high enough to be an at-large in a 16-team bracket.
• Replacement of Northern Illinois with Miami University, the MAC Champions.  Miami ranked lower than UCF, pushing the Scarlet Knights to 14 seed.
• Replacement of Florida International with Troy, the Sun Belt Champions.

 

The 20-team bracket.  All of the changes from above, plus Nebraska disappears thanks to their loss to Oklahoma.  Boise State appears as an at-large team.

 

 

The 24-team bracket. More shuffling, nothing too crucial. Nebraska resurfaces at the 18 seed.  Utah and South Carolina trade places.

 

The 28-team bracket. I actually like this one the best of the smaller brackets because it doesn’t send the little guys (Troy, Miami) right into the firing squad of Auburn or Oregon.  Maybe I’m naive to think they have a slightly better chance with Wisconsin or Ohio State, but it seems a little more fair.  In this bracket, Hawaii makes an appearance for the first time, owing to their noble losses against Boise State and Nevada to pump up their schedule strength.

 

 

The 32-team bracket.  This is the cleanest bracket because there are no byes for anyone.  It’s basically starting at the equivalent of the 2nd rd of March Madness basketball tournament bracket.  Like that basketball tournament, that equity of entry leads to some brutal first-round games.  When was the last time a Div 1-A college football team put up 100 points?  We might see that in Auburn vs. Troy.

 

The 40- and 48-team brackets. Here’s where we get even more experimental.  At the suggestion of commenter Zack Hicks, I expanded the brackets further.  You will most definitely have to click on these things to read them…. A 40-team bracket gives the top eight teams a bye, which would be a nice thing for the larger schools to play for once a tournament berth is all but assured.  A 48-team bracket expands that luxury to the top 16.  A 32-team bracket seems to represent a threshold, after which we start seeing some questionable teams get invites.  I’m not saying that Notre Dame or Florida aren’t deserving, but a first-round game between two 7-5 teams isn’t exactly the pinnacle of excitement, and especially with the long odds that will face the victor at Oregon.  It’s also when we get into the 40- and 48-team brackets that we see a number of at-large teams from second and third-tier conferences (Big East, ACC, WAC, Conference USA, MAC).  This can be good, in that it allows those conferences to prove themselves.  It can also be bad, in that if they don’t, there might be some really ugly outcomes.  Of the two, I like the 48-team the best.

From here, I’ll let the brackets speak for themselves.  Click to see them larger, or at least legibly.

 

 

It’s a silly exercise, no doubt…. but I think it’s an important one.  The idea of a playoff is always one that provides debate, and for supporters it’s difficult to tangibly show folks what they are really hoping to see in college football.  Making graphic representations of these tournaments provides a nice way to see them, and to dream about a better sports world that might some day happen….

The 2010 NCAA Div I-A Football Playoffs (One Casual Football Fan’s Dream of What Could Have Been…)

Okay, those of you who read this blog and have no interest in college football would probably do best to move on right now. Fair warning.

Those of you with an interest in college football, here’s the thing: I think the BCS, the convoluted apparatus currently used in the top division of college football to determine which teams play in a championship game, is a big pile of crap.  I’d like to think a large number of sports fans agree with me.

Ever wonder what we’re missing without a tournament?  Yeah, me too.  So, I’ve developed six tournament formats, shown below, including one of 16 teams, 20 teams, 24 teams, 28 teams and 30 teams.  In each case, conference champions of EVERY Division I-A conference receives a berth to the tournament, just like in NCAA basketball.  With 11 conferences, that leaves room for five at-large berths in the 16-team grid, nine in the 20-team, 13 in the 24-team, and so on.

Click on any bracket to make it a smidge bigger and more readable….

 

 

 

 

Looking at these brackets makes it quite obvious that, whatever the format we use, we’re missing some pretty good looking tournaments, with potential for upsets in the early rounds (which makes things exciting) and a pretty balanced bracket for the main contenders to prove themselves with.

The teams chosen as representation do NOT represent a value judgement on my part… meaning, I’m not saying that based on my own convictions any one team is more worthy than any other.  Since many conferences have not determined their champions yet, conference champions for these brackets are chosen as the highest rated team in the conference, first by BCS, then by AP voting, then by Jeff Sagarin’s computer rankings if no team from a conference appears in the first two rankings.  At-large teams will be the teams remaining in those rankings, in that order, that are not conference champions.  Seeding is made using the same three rankings. All information is based on what is current on Sunday evening, November 28, and I might update it next week after the conference championships if the feature proves popular.

I will admit right now that I am nothing but a casual college football fan.  My teams are, well, always pretty terrible.  I know nothing of, say, Nebraska’s running defense can play with Oklahoma’s rushing attack, nor Southern Mississippi’s special teams play would match up against that of Northern Illinois.  I am counting on the numbers that have been produced by people who are paid to follow the sport in a wholly intellectual exercise by a casual fan, for the benefit of casual fans.  \

That said…. Doesn’t this just look like more fun?

For those of you who are unfamiliar, here’s what happens: using rankings determined by human “experts,” combined with the opinions of various computer power algorithms, is made into a weekly ranking called the Bowl Championship Series standings, which is put out in the final few weeks of every football season.  In the final standings, which are often comparing teams that never faced each other and have no common opponents, the top two teams go to the BCS Championship Game, the winner of which is declared the national champion.  Eight other teams go to BCS “bowls,” which are games that are carried over from a traditional set of season-ending match-ups started nearly 100 years ago, but which ultimately have very little meaning; the winner of each bowl is named the “____ Bowl Champion” for the year, and each school gets paid handsomely for their appearance.  Appearance in the BCS Bowls are guaranteed to winners of six conferences, subdivisions of college football, while members of five other conferences can potentially get into one of these handsomely paying bowls if they win EVERY game AND everything goes absolutely perfectly in terms of voting and computer calculations and so forth.  No team from a smaller conference has yet achieved entree into the national championship match.  In fact, it’s more likely that a team from one of the six automatic bid conferences which has lost once or even twice will go to the national championship game over an undefeated squad from the other five.

Then, typically, what happens to all other teams with winning records, if they’re not part of the BCS Bowls, is that they get invited to other, pretty lame bowls named after muffler shops and local credit unions, which pay less, have significantly less prestige and little if any interest from fan bases.  In sum, Approximately half of all top division college football teams end up in one bowl or another at the end of the year.  On top of that, by the time these “post-season” bowls begin, there are only two teams that have any chance at winning the national championship, which means all but one of these bowls  mean absolutely nothing whether won or lost.  They are basically exhibition matches.

To suggest that reform in this system is needed does not break new ground.  It’s been suggested many times by many people, especially those with allegiances to the “smaller” teams in the non-BCS conferences (like, say… me).  But, I’d like to take a look at what, exactly, the football world is missing by not reforming this hodgepodge of meaningless bowls into a tournament that actually produces a winner from a large group of teams.  In every other North American sport, a tournament determines the championship of sports leagues, including the lower divisions of college football.  Why should the top division of college football be any different?

Choosing an EPL Team, The Decision: This fall, I’ll be taking my talents to…

Here it is, the moment you’ve undoubtedly been waiting for. Yes, I am finally choosing my English Premier League team.

For background, you can click through my earlier entries on the subject:

• Divorcing Sport from Geography — Choosing an EPL Team
• Choosing an EPL Team, Part Two: First Sides Out
• Choosing an EPL Team, Part Three: A Rose Ceremony for the Final Five
• Choosing an EPL Team, Part Four: Choosing the Ultimate Two Finalists

And now, the conclusion of this utterly inane exercise.

The Runners-Up:

Everton

Based in: Liverpool, Merseyside

Nicknames: The Toffees, The Blues, The School of Science, the People’s Club

Motto: Nothing but the best

Rival: Liverpool.  And it’s a fierce rivalry: this derby has more red cards than any other.

2009-10 Finish: 8th in the Premiership

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: Relatively low. Everton’s been in the Premiership since its founding, though at times by the skin of their teeth.

Decent Looking Kit:  Home is okay, it does the job with a bright blue shirt with white shorts, and blue shorts as an alternative. But what about this away kit?  Pink shirts with a choice of dark blue or pink shorts?  Dear lord….

Main Sponsor: Chang, a beer from Singapore.  That makes up for the hot pink shirts… almost.

Is the kit offered in a 4XL? They do, but wouldn’t this shirt on someone who’s a 4XL attract airplanes?

Popularity Factor: Everton is a pretty popular club, having good home attendance and supporters who are impressive road warriors.  Everton typically sells out the visitors’ allotment for every away game.  They’re certainly not on the same level of popularity as ManU or Chelsea or Arsenal, but they’ve still got their followers and the followers are loyal (which means they’re not as bad of as clubs like Wigan).

Recent History of Success / Trends:  Since helping found the Premier League for 1992-93, Everton have been all over the place, from avoiding relegation by a tiebreaker to placing fourth and going to the Champions League qualifiers.  Recently, the results have been strong, in the top half of the EPL.

Ownership: Everton’s a Limited Company, which means the shares are held by a board of directors.  The largest shareholder, with 25% of the team, is Bill Kenwright, a theater producer and former actor.  Everton itself is mortgaged out the wahoo, owing money to everyone and securing those loans with it’s share of the Premier League’s annual award fund and the deed to its home pitch.  A few times in the past decade the club has been forced to sell homegrown players to break even (current ManU superstar Wayne Rooney was one of these).

Seeing them in Person: Liverpool’s not exactly a tourist destination for most.  The city is still recovering, to a point, from losing its primary industry in the 1970s to container ports.  But, perhaps that reputation is undeserved, seeing as how there are many sites from the Beatles’ history designated there, and supposedly the city has an impressive museum complex.  Still not the easiest city to fly into from the U.S., though.  Everton plays its matches at Goodison Park, also known as “The Grand Old Lady,” a structure built originally in 1892 that holds 40,000 fans.  While Everton’s tickets are reasonable (£30 and up) the stadium nearly always sells out in advance.  Citing this filling of the stadium to capacity, Everton has tried a few times in the past decade to build a new stadium and has failed to raise enough money.

Potential for a US tour:  High.  They came over last year and beat the MLS All-Stars on penalty kicks.

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: Supporters of Everton have a tradition and an identity of being working class folk, which explains one nickname of the team (“The People’s Club”).  Despite having the lowest average income amongst supporters of Premier League teams, Everton supporters have fierce loyalty, filling Goodison Park for every match and attending away matches in large numbers.

American players: One, Tim Howard, world-reknowned goalkeeper.

Website quality: Very nice, and a kick-ass color scheme.  Everything seems to work, too.

Celebrity supporters: Bill Bryson, Sylvester Stallon, Sir Paul McCartney, and some other people.

In Sum: Everton is a great club, with great traditions and an historic home pitch, but there are a few things that ultimately made the difference: 1) Everton’s been broke a lot lately, which has resulted in instability; 2) Everton’s in Liverpool, which is harder to get to than London; and 3) Those godforsaken pink away kits. Beyond those three factors, Everton’s great and I came pretty close to choosing them as my squad.

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Yep, that means that this fall, I’ll be taking my talents to London…

The Chosen One:

Fulham

Based in: Fulham, London

Nicknames: The Cottagers, The Whites, The Lilywhites

Motto: None, apparently

Rival: Fulham sees its top rival as Chelsea, but Chelsea doesn’t reciprocate (guess I can’t root for them ever now, though… huff).  West Ham is a rival because of its location in London.  Fulham has other smaller rivalries with Queen’s Park Rangers (Championship), Brentford (League One) and Gillingham (League Two).

2009-10 Finish: 12th in the Premiership

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: Medium to low. Fulham has been in the Premiership solidly since 2001-02, and have been on a recent uptick to middle of the table.

Decent Looking Kit: Home’s a white shirt with black pants.  Very simple but classy.  Away is a red shirt with black accents plus red shorts (that’s last season’s linked, but supposedly this year’s will be the same with a different sponsor logo).

Main Sponsor: FxPro, the currency trader… like so many other clubs.

Is the kit offered in a 4XL? Yes, and 5XL too.  The women’s shirt comes in big sizes, too, in case my wife ever becomes a fan.

Popularity Factor: The club’s popularity waned when it was outside of the top level of competition, but since then sellouts of Craven Cottage are a regular occurrence. They have some fans elsewhere, but not like Chelsea or ManU.

Recent History of Success / Trends: Though they struggled the first few years in the Premiership, Fulham has been working their way toward being a top team in the bottom half of the league.  Mostly, the team has been on an upward trajectory, though the squad lost manager Roy Hodgson, who had led this resurgence, to Liverpool.  But, they added Mark Hughes, who’s supposed to be good.

Ownership: Mohamed Al-Fayed, an Egyptian businessman who basically built Dubai, and who has been all business since he took over the club.  It seems as though most Fulham supporters consider Fayed’s ownership of the squad as a very positive period for the team.

Seeing them in Person: They’re in London.  Easy to get to, great to visit.  Their home ground is Craven Cottage on the banks of the Thames, one of the oldest and definitely the most unique grounds in the EPL.  Part of the stadium is a cottage building, which holds locker rooms and has balconies that serve as luxury boxes.  There’s a tree in one corner, just outside the pitch.  The stadium is old and intimate.  The main pavilion, the Cottage Pavilion, is the oldest functioning football stands in the world.  Each of the stands in this stadium are listen on England’s equivalent of the National Historic Register.  They always sell out in advance, so it’ll take some planning, but sounds like it’d be well worth it.

Potential for a US tour: Currently unlikely, but becoming more likely as the team remains in the EPL longer.

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: The team was founded in 1879, which makes them the oldest professional football team in London. The fans simply adore their stadium; in fact, during various attempts by the team to investigate a different stadium, the supporters collectively pitched (haha) a fit about it.  They love Craven Cottage, and the team has dedicated itself to staying there for the foreseeable future.  The fans seem to have a keen eye for irony, like the number of websites dedicated to pointing out Fulhamisms (ironic situations the team management gets itself into, like paying highly for a player then loaning him out for a year) or calling such situations Fulhamish.  (Sounds a lot like the weirdness that is all things Muncie, Indiana…).  One favored in-game chant, saved specially for Chelsea’s visits to Craven Cottage, is “Stick that Blue Flag up Your Arse,” which affectionately ends “We are Fulham / Super Fulham / We are Fulham / Fuck Chelsea!”  Nice folk.

American players: Two of them!  Clint Dempsey and Eddie Johnson, both of the US National Team (though Johnson wasn’t chosen to compete in South Africa).  At one point, Fulham had enough Americans that some derisively called them “Team America.” Obviously not afraid to bring in American talent, which is all I ask.

Website quality: Good.  Simple, and it works, but doesn’t look outdated. Plenty of information to get me going.

Celebrity supporters: Hugh Laurie (!), Hugh Grant, Elizabeth Hurley, Benicio Del Toro and Pierce Brosnan.  And more.

In Sum: For me, Fulham is simply the best fit.  They’ve got all the parts: unlikely to be relegated, a classy kit, middle-of-the-road popularity, a really cool and historic stadium in a city that’s a worthy vacation destination, cool traditions, a personality that seems to beg (and recognize) irony, an open mind to American players, a good website, and a decent list of famous supporters (no bin Laden, etc). And believe it or not, I figured this out even before my friend Todd (Chelsea fan) mentioned that Fulham was a good fit for me.  The more I read about them, the more in love I was.

Just over eight days until first kick.

Go Fulham!

Choosing an EPL Team, Part Four: Choosing the Ultimate Two Finalists

Here we are, on to the fourth step  of eliminating teams.  At the end of this entry, we’ll have our final two.  I am excite!

If you’ve missed the party thus far, read Part One to see my thoughts and criteria, Part Two to eliminate the first ten, and Part Three to pare down to five clubs.

Here we go!

Category Nine: I Like You, I Like You a Lot, but You’re Just a Bit Too Good and Popular for Me. It’s Nothing Personal. I really do like a lot of things about these clubs.  If I hadn’t, I would have knocked them out the same time as ManU and Liverpool, way way back in Part Two. Instead, I kept them around and kept floating them through my mind… but I just couldn’t come to terms with jumping on a bandwagon or being a frontrunner, no matter how much I liked these sides.

Arsenal

Based in: Holloway in Greater London

Nicknames: The Gunners

Motto: Victory comes from harmony

Rival: Biggest rival is Tottenham Hotspur, the other North London club.  Lesser rivalries exist with the other London clubs (Chelsea, West Ham and Fulham) and Manchester United.

2009-10 Finish: 3rd in Premiership

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: None. Arsenal has been in the top tier of English football longer than any other team.

Decent Looking Kit: Home features a red shirt with white sleeves and white shorts.  Kind of looks like they’re wearing a vest.  Away kit is a yellow shirt with a dark red (brown? can’t tell for sure) short.

Main Sponsor: Emirates airlines. Are all airlines pure evil, or is that just something for airlines based in the US?

Is the kit offered in a 4XL? Nope, only up to 3XL.

Popularity Factor: Hugely popular.  Perhaps the second most popular team in the EPL, with dozens of supporters clubs all through the UK, Europe and the world.  From this popularity, Arsenal’s rated as the third most valuable football team in the world (after ManU and Real Madrid). They always sell out matches.

Recent History of Success / Trends: Nothing but success. They’ve never finished lower than 12th (1994-95) in the Premiership since its founding, and that caused fans to go batshit insane. Since that year, the Gunners have never placed lower than fifth (gulp), winning the title three times.

Ownership: Arsenal is operated as a public limited company, which means that it is owned by shareholders but that shares are rarely for sale.  Around 60,000 shares of Arsenal exist, and the last one sold in 2009 went for £9,250 (about US$15,000).  The largest shareholder is an American named Stan Kroenke who’s married to one of the Walton kids (of Wal-Mart fame) and owns several sports teams (Denver Nuggets, Colorado Avalanche and Colorado Rapids).  Tough life.  Asshole.

Seeing them in Person: Getting to London is easy and it’s a tourist destination… but you might not be able to get into a game once you’re there.  Arsenal used to play in Arsenal Stadium, which seated 38,000 and sold out for every single match.  Now, they play in Emirates Stadium, which seats 60,000 and sells out for every single match.  In order to get tickets, you apparently have to be a “member” of Arsenal, and then if you’ve got that you’ve got to navigate a pretty convoluted website.  I couldn’t figure out how much tickets are, but I’m assuming they’re pretty pricey.

Potential for a US tour: Not very likely, it seems.  Even with a plurality of the squad owned by an American, Arsenal’s management is unconvinced of how such a tour could prepare its players.

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: It’s neat that they actually have a cannon on their crest.  That’d never fly in the U.S. (remember the Washington Bullets?)  Fans call themselves “Gooners,” a bastardization of the team’s nickname, The Gunners.  The fans have a sense of humor, though.  During the 1970s, the team was considered boring for their style of play, and supporters of opposing teams would chant “Boring Boring Arsenal!” at them.  But, when the Gunners started kicking everyone’s ass in the mid-1990s, Arsenal supporters turned that against the other teams, chanting “Boring Boring Arsenal” during blowouts.

American players: None, but only two Englishmen on the roster, the rest are internationals, and it’s a roster of superstars.

Website quality: Excellent.  Team-built template, excellent functionality.

Celebrity supporters: A zillion of them, it seems.  Highlights: David Frost, Michael Moore, Spike Lee, Joe Strummer, John Gotti and yes, Osama bin Laden.  Icky.

In Sum: Arsenal’s a bit too good and a bit too popular for my liking.  It looks tremendously difficult for someone like me to attend the matches, and they don’t carry a shirt in my size.  Plus, Osama bin Laden is a fan.  That’s pretty awful.

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Chelsea

Based in: Fulham, West London

Nicknames: The Blues, The Pensioners

Motto: Pride of London

Rival: Chelsea’s biggest rival might be Tottenham Hotspur, followed by Fulham.  Rivalries are not as big for Chelsea supporters as for other teams.

2009-10 Finish: 1st in Premiership

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: Very low. They were relegated for a brief time in the 1970s and 1980s when the club was having significant financial trouble and were in danger of losing their home pitch.  They’ve been solidly within the Premiership since its founding.

Decent Looking Kit: Home is a straight blue with white adidas stripes, very classic.  The away kit…. well, it’s something I guess.  I hope it looks better on the pitch than it does in the store, that’s all I can say.  Ugh.

Main Sponsor: Samsung.  No problem there.  The TV I got from them still kicks ass.

Is the kit offered in a 4XL? HOLY SHIT IT COMES ALL THE WAY UP TO AN 8XL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Popularity Factor: Dude, Chelsea’s popular.  Not ManU or Arsenal popular and maybe not Liverpool popular.  But they’ve got a wide array of very loyal followers. Like Arsenal, they always sell out.

Recent History of Success / Trends: Since the early 1980s, Chelsea’s been pretty successful and has really turned things on in the past 10 years or so.  Since 1996-97, they’ve never finished lower than 6th.  Since 2003-04, they’ve never finished lower than third, and they’ve won the EPL three times. That’s pretty damn good.

Ownership: Roman Abramovich, who’s biography is the most interesting of any owner in the EPL.  His resume is perhaps the scariest, making his money in the Russian oil fields, being charged with many crimes, having served as governor and having been accused of funding his own army.  Dude’s frightening, but it seems he knows how to win.

Seeing them in Person: Again, getting to London is easy enough to do.  However, Chelsea sells out every single game, and seems to do so in advance.  They play at Stamford Bridge, a stadium that originally opened in 1877 and holds 41,000 people, a relatively small number considering the team’s success and popularity.  There’s been discussion about expanding the stadium, but the team is handcuffed by the fact that the stadium is essentially landlocked in its location. Given a long history at this location, the club remains committed to staying in that spot.  Chelsea fans are also known for being the friendliest in the league, especially to foreigners and youngsters who are fellow supporters.

Potential for a US tour: High.  They came to the US in 2009, and played a pretty substantial set of matches.

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: Chelsea’s got a lot of cool traditions.  One that sticks out in what I’ve read is the tendency of fans to sing a song called “Celery” in celebration of good things, following that by throwing celery on the pitch.  That made me laugh when I read about that.  One thing that Chelsea has which is unique is that the stadium and all of its components, and the naming rights for the team itself are all owned by a fan-owned non-profit organization.  This stems from a time in the 1970s when the deed to the stadium was purchased by real estate developers who wanted to turn it into a shopping center.  It was only by the work of the supporters that this was prevented and the rights to the land were purchased by this non-profit in the mid-1990s.  Because it owns the naming rights to the team as well, if the club moves out of Stamford Bridge, it will never be called Chelsea again.  Also, I like the crest.

American players: No Americans, but plenty of international flavor and a number of superstars (Frank Lampard and Michael Essien to mention two)

Website quality: Excellent. A team-specific template with good information and functionality.

Celebrity supporters: Many many celebrity supporters.  Highlights: Michael Caine, Busta Rhymes, Will Ferrell and Owen Wilson.

In Sum: I really really like Chelsea, I really do.  Tons of tradition, and all of it is generally likable.  Really likable.  I just wish they weren’t so good.  I know, a horrible thing to wish about a sports team, because, well, being good is the point but they spend tons of money to do it.  If they hadn’t won the Premiership this year, they probably would be my team.  And who knows, maybe I’ll be a football bigamist and secretly cheer for Chelsea in the Champions League when my team is out for the year?  By just saying that, I’ve just made myself deserve a beating from real EPL fans, I’m sure…

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Category Ten: I Like You, I Like You a Lot, but Something Just Doesn’t Feel Right About This. Only one side in this category, and that’s Aston Villa.  Like Arsenal and Chelsea, I liked a lot of things about Aston Villa, and AVFC was even devoid of that potential bandwagon/frontrunner stigma.  But something just didn’t feel right about it, and I have to blame that on the fact that it’s owned by the same guy that owns the Browns.  We all know how well that has gone…

Aston Villa

Based in: Aston in Birmingham

Nicknames: The Villa, The Villans, The Lions

Motto: Prepared

Rival: Birmingham City

2009-10 Finish: 6th in Premiership

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: Very low. They’ve been in the EPL since the beginning, having never been relegated. This past year they finished a solid 6th.

Decent Looking Kit: Home kit is an interesting combination of burgundy and powder blue, but it’s effective.  Away kit is all black.

Main Sponsor: FxPro, a currency trader.  Meh.  For the two years before this season, the primary sponsorship was done away with, and the uniforms were adorned with the logo of acorns, a children’s charity.  That might have pushed Aston Villa over the top, if they had maintained that sponsorship, because that’s a really cool thing to do (uniform sponsorships are worth several million pounds per season). Very generous.

Is the kit offered in a 4XL? Nope, 3XL is as large as they go.

Popularity Factor: While Aston Villa has supporters all over the world, (according to Wikipedia) the club’s supporters are 98% white…. not quite as white as the Republican party, but damn close!

Recent History of Success / Trends: The Lions have been in the Premier League since its inception, but they’ve been all over the place within that league.  They’ve finished anywhere from 17th to 5th.  No real patterns.

Ownership: They’re owned by Randy Lerner, an American who is the owner of the Cleveland Browns.  Yeah, he’s done a great job there… (shudder)

Seeing them in Person: Being based in Birmingham, it’s easy enough to get to Villa Park, their stadium that holds 43,000 fans.  Prices are reasonable and they don’t seem to sellout too often.

Potential for a US tour: High, given that they came in 2007 and the owner is an American.

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: Aston Villa was cited by several, including Bill Simmons, as having the most self-loathing fans in the EPL.  I’ve lived in Northeast Ohio for five years now.  I know what self-loathing fans are like, and that’s really not something I want to be involved in. Throw in the fact that they’re owned by the very owner that makes part of Cleveland so self-loathing and… yikes, some serious potential for fan suicides at Aston Villa.

American players: Two Americans.  One, Brad Friedel, is a long-time EPL goalkeeper.  The other is Eric Lichaj, who doesn’t play for the US national team.  He’s green, and he’s been loaned out a few times to get experience.  Otherwise, a fairly English roster.

Website quality: Remember how Birmingham City’s was from 1997?  Well, Aston Villa’s is firmly out of 2003. Functionally, it works, but….

Celebrity supporters: Tom Hanks, Prince William, Nigel Kennedy, Ozzy Osbourne, among others.  Good stuff!

In Sum: Aston Villa was a high-marking team. Good kit, easy to visit, not too successful or popular, and a generous team having given the jersey sponsorship to a children’s charity.  The ownership though, Randy Lerner, and the self-loathing scare me because, well, I’ve seen how teams can emaciate a fanbase’s heart.  I’m not interested in being miserable like the folks up here.  I feel for them, but I don’t want to join them.

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Okay, so that leaves the final two teams, Everton and Fulham.

And to be honest, “The Decision” has been made, but the announcement is coming tomorrow at 7:00 pm via a special broadcast on ESPN. Or more likely, a blog post here.

Yeah, we’ll stick with that.

UPDATE (August 6, 2010): I’ve finished the series and chosen my team.  If you like, you can click through to the other pages below:

• Divorcing Sport from Geography — Choosing an EPL Team
• Choosing an EPL Team, Part Two: First Sides Out
• Choosing an EPL Team, Part Three: A Rose Ceremony for the Final Five
• Choosing an EPL Team, Part Four: Choosing the Ultimate Two Finalists (this page)
• Choosing an EPL Team, Finale: This fall, I’m taking my talents to…

Choosing an EPL Team, Part Three: A Rose Ceremony for the Final Five

It’s the third in this series, so it’s time to choose the final five EPL teams for consideration in the Great Get-Andy’s-Support Derby.  To see information about the first ten eliminated, view Part Two.  To get an idea about what this project is, find my criteria in the original post.

I have to say, a lot of the clubs in the eliminated half have a number of exceptionally endearing qualities, but now we’re getting down to the little things.  You couldn’t pick one car over another if, all other things equal, the car of your choice had a few little things that annoyed you that the one you rejected did not.

Yep, we’re getting down to splitting hairs over minutiae.  Without further ado, the five teams that will be eliminated tonight are those that follow.

Category Five: The Worst Logo I’ve Ever Seen in My Life. This category only has one side in it, and that’s the Bolton Wanderers.  Seems like a nice team with some good tradition and solid supporters, but geez, do you see that logo?

Bolton Wanderers

Based in: Horwich, Greater Manchester

Nicknames: The Whites, The White Men, The Trotters, The Wanderers, The Shitty Logos.

Motto: None, apparently.  Maybe it should be “Our Logo Sucks.”

Rival: Wigan Athletic.  Wigan probably makes fun of that logo at every match.

2009-10 Finish: 14th in the Premiership.

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: Medium.  They’ve been solidly in the Premier League since 2002 but they’re on a definite downtick.

Decent Looking Kit: Home kit is white shirt with black shorts, nothing special.  Away kit is slightly different shade than what we saw with Stoke City, but nice nonetheless.  And unlike Wigan’s mess using the same sponsor, Bolton’s sponsor logo blends in nicer on the kit.  If it has the patch on it somewhere, then no dice.

Main Sponsor: 188Bet, just like their rivals Wigan Athletic.  Kind of weird, I think…

Is the kit offered in a 4XL? Nope, only up to a XXL.  Boooo.  Hope it doesn’t have a patch with that ugly ass logo on it.

Popularity Factor: Certainly doesn’t seem to be a bandwagon team. Their supporter club, first founded in 1992, has a couple of hundred members.  Supposedly there’s a few international clubs, but no info about where they are.

Recent History of Success / Trends: They had some serious success in the early 2000s after being promoted to the Premiership for the 2002-03, but played like jerks and were voted one of the most hated clubs in 2008. Reminds me of the late-1990s New York Knicks.  On a downward swing right now, finishing the past few years in the bottom half of the standings.

Ownership: Eddie Davies, a guy living on the Isle of Man who made his money by making thermostats.  Too bad he didn’t take a couple graphic design classes along the way.

Seeing them in Person: Manchester isn’t hard to get to, though like I’ve said before, it’s not exactly a tourist destination.  They play in Reebok Stadium, built in the 1990s and holds 29,000 people.

Potential for a US tour: They did just this year.  Doesn’t look like they played anyone of consequence, though… Maybe the other teams saw the logo and assumed this was a kids team or something.

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: Jesus Christ look at that logo.  Did I mention that?  It looks like a rejected logo for an EPCOT Center exhibit circa 1983.  Puke, puke, puke.  What in the hell are they thinking? That is really the worst logo I’ve ever seen for a professional organization. It looks like something that a senior citizen made using Microsoft Paint.  Yuck yuck yuck yuck!!!

American players: One guys is identified by FIFA as an American, and that’s Stuart Holden, a World Cupper who was born in Scotland. Reasonably diverse roster, though.

Website quality: Same as Wigan or Blackpool, and also a little clunky in coming together.  Good information but it’s a bit of a mess.

Celebrity supporters: Amir Khan, Emma Forbes and Vernon Kay.  Um, who?

In Sum: This club didn’t really stand out in many ways, but the way it did was the logo.  I have never seen such a giant piece of crap for a multi-million dollar (pound, whatever) corporation in my life. A drunk and blind three year old could do better with broken crayons.

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Category Six: Clubs that remind me of Major League Baseball teams – But unfortunately, the teams they remind me of are ones that I don’t care for so much.  I can’t go through my EPL life rooting for teams that seem so close to ones I don’t like in another sport.

Manchester City

Based in: Manchester

Nicknames: City, Blues, Citizens

Motto: Pride in Battle

Rival: Manchester United

2009-10 Finish: 5th in the Premiership.

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: Pretty low.  Despite coming in and out of the Premier League in the 1990s and 2000s, they finished 5th in 2009-2010.  That’s solid for now, at least.

Decent Looking Kit: Powder blue and white combination on the home kit is really sharp!  Dark blue and light blue on the away is pretty sweet as well.  Very nice kits!

Main Sponsor: Etihad Airways, offering luxury flights to Dubai and Abu Dhabi.

Is the kit offered in a 4XL? Only goes up to about a 3XL (sizes by inches).

Popularity Factor: Rumor has it, while Manchester City is the club in Manchester that people from Manchester actually root for (whereas, ManU is the team for outsiders).  Localized popularity, and supposedly pretty vehement fans for a team with a limited history of success.

Recent History of Success / Trends: In and out of the Premiership since its founding, but they’ve been moving on up as of late, finishing as high as fifth in 2009-10.  For the first time, Man City seems dedicated to winning and spending money on players.

Ownership: Shiekh Mansour bin Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyen, a politician from the UAE and a member of Abu Dhabi’s royal family.  Whoa.

Seeing them in Person: Getting to Manchester is easy, since it’s the UK’s second largest urban area.  City plays in the City of Manchester Stadium, a state-of-the-art facility built in 2002 and holds 47,000 people. Can’t tell the ticket prices without registering.

Potential for a US tour: High, they did it this year, getting their asses kicked by the New York Red Bulls.

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: They’ve got a very loyal fanbase within Manchester, with good attendance and tons of tradition… but they remind me a lot of the New York Mets or the Chicago White Sox, being a team of the locals but no one else, and the second team of the city to boot.

American players: None, but a relatively international roster and a few players I remember from the World Cup.

Website quality: Best color scheme of any EPL club thus far, seems well organized though the design of text leaves a bit to be desired.  Slow to load (a little heavy in multimedia) and information seems a bit difficult to come by, but, nice overall.  And a great store.

Celebrity supporters: The Gallagher Brothers from Oasis and some other folks.

In Sum: Great kits, heading in the right direction in terms of success, but limited appeal and second fiddle status reminds me of the New York Mets, the Chicago White Sox or the Los Angeles Clippers.  By not being from the city they represent, I feel like I’d never be anything but a poseur.   Shirts, as awesome as they are, don’t quite come large enough either.

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Blackburn Rovers

Based in: Blackburn, Blackburn with Darwen (up near Wigan and Bolton, north of Machester and northeast of Liverpool.

Nicknames: Rovers, The Riversiders, Blue and Whites

Motto: By Skill and Hard Work

Rivals: Burnley (Championship), Bolton Wanderers, Preston North End (Championship) and to a lesser extent, Manchester United and Manchester City.

2009-10 Finish: 10th in the Premiership.

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: Medium to low.  Were relegated in from 1999 to 2001, but have been solid back ever since.

Decent Looking Kit: Home is blue and white two-toned design, which looks pretty sharp.  Away is a red shirt with black pants, nothing to write home about.

Main Sponsor: Crown Paint, which is, yep, a paint company. Yawn.

Is the kit offered in a 4XL? Nope, only to a 3XL.

Popularity Factor: Wikipedia says: “Rovers home games are the least attended in the Premier League for the size of the stadium.”  In other words, the stadium’s usually not full, which suggests limited support.  Wiki also mentions that a few supporters clubs have been formed in the past couple of years.

Recent History of Success / Trends: Blackburn won the Premier League in 1994-1995, and they did so by spending a ton of money for that one shot at glory.  It is the only team not named Manchester United, Chelsea or Arsenal to do so.  Since then, Blackburn stunk for a while, going right down the tubes after that victory.  It’s bounced between the top half and the bottom half of the EPL, taking a two-season stay in Championship.

Ownership: Owned by the estate of Jack Walker, steel magnate.  The club is held in trust.

Seeing them in Person: A little of the beaten path, being a touch north of Manchester, but not an impossible city to get to.  Blackburn is not a tourist place, so it’s not going to be an exciting trip by any means.  Interesting point from Wikipedia again: supporters clubs founded in the past few years have shared the mission of making trips to Ewood Park, their stadium holding 31,000 supporters, easier.  It seems like it would be easy to get a seat, though.

Potential for a US tour: Medium to low. Middle of the pack status in the EPL, plus no American ties make me think that a tour of the US isn’t high on Blackburn’s agenda.

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: Apparently the supporters of Blackburn have a tradition of being very vocal in terms of providing feedback to the management about transactions and so forth, even if they don’t manage to make it to the pitch to support their team.  Their seal is pretty gross…. I mean, it looks like something out of a coloring book.  Not as bad as Bolton, but bad nonetheless.

American players: None, but a very international roster and quite a few players I recall from the World Cup.

Website quality: Same idea as Wigan et al., seems to work okay.

Celebrity supporters: Jack Straw, whose claim to fame was being the minister of defense in the run-up to the Iraq war, a couple other folks.

In Sum: Blackburn reminds me a great deal of the Florida Marlins, which every once in a while goes all-in purchasing players and makes a run at a championship but then has a fire sale the next year and stinks for a decade or more.  It also reminds me of the Marlins since they have a giant stadium and can’t seem to come close to ever filling it. I understand that run for a championship is always fun when it happens, but I always thought the Marlins model was too manic-depressive for me.  In Blackburn’s case, the depressive part’s been going on since 1995.  Yuck.

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Category Seven: The Celebrity Factor – I know, I know… I said that celebrity supporters are the stupidest reason to choose or exclude a club from the running, and it is. And truth be told, I liked a lot of things about this club.  I really did.  But in this case, given the entirely unoriginal gimmick I’m using to choose an EPL side, I have to exclude one squad.  It’s nothing personal, but c’mon, if I used the same gimmick and got the same squad, that’d be totally lame.  Right?  Um, right…?

Tottenham Hotspur

Based in: Tottenham, North London

Nicknames: The Spurs, Lillywhites

Motto: To Dare is to Do

Rivals: Arsenal is the big one. Lesser rivalries with Chelsea and West Ham

2009-10 Finish: 4th in the Premiership.

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: Basically, nil.  They’re a founding member of the Premier League and they’ve never been relegated, plus they finished fourth this past season.

Decent Looking Kit: It’s…. okay.  I guess.  To me, the home kit makes me think of a Priority Mail envelope or box from the US Postal Service.  Away kit is, I think, supposed to be powder blue but on the shop website the colors don’t pop like other powder blues.

Main Sponsor: Autonomy, a computer software company.  High on the geek meter, and for me that’s a positive thing.

Is the kit offered in a 4XL? Nope, only up to 3XL.

Popularity Factor: Seems to be relatively widely popular, with supporters clubs all over the world and all over England.  They’ve typically got a pretty good attendance ranking in the EPL and they seem to perhaps be on the verge of more.

Recent History of Success / Trends: The Spurs sat right in the middle of the Premier League through much of the 1990s and early 2000s.  Apparently some of their troubles progressing in the 1990s came from sanctions imposed by the FA regarding issues with financial irregularities for signing players earlier on.  Since the mid-2000s, they’ve solidified themselves amongst the EPL challengers, finishing between fifth and ninth despite starting every season (it seems) with a slump.

Ownership: The ENIC Group Ltd, which is the business empire of Joe Lewis.  Lewis earned his wealth through a variety of ventures, including currency exchange, luxury real estate and biotechnology.

Seeing them in Person: They’re in London, one of the great cities of the world.  Easy to fly into, easy to convince oneself to spend a few days.  They currently play in a stadium called White Hart Lane in Tottenham, which seats 36,000 people  The stadium was originally built in 1899, but is going to be replaced in the next couple of years by a new facility next door.

Potential for a US tour:  High.  They toured the US just this summer.  They tied San Jose 0-0, and beat the NY Red Bulls 2-1.

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: They’ve got a number of supporters clubs all through the world, including one that numbers at least 500 in the San Francisco Bay Area, which came out for an open training session.

American players: None.  Heavy on Brits, a handful of internationals.

Website quality: Nice website with their own template, everything works well.  Information is easy to find.

Celebrity supporters: Phil Collins, Salman Rushdie, Dave Clark, Steve Nash, Pierce Brosnan and many others.  Also… Bill Simmons.

In Sum: There are a lot of things to like about Tottenham Hotspur, but one major thing kills the club for me, and that’s the last thing mentioned.  Bill Simmons, in his column following this same EPL choice gimmick, chooses this team.  Grrr…. It’s absolutely no offense to Simmons or his work, but I just can’t in good faith have the same result, and if he hadn’t chosen them they’d probably be in the top two for me.  And even still, no 4XL shirt.

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Category Eight: I Just Didn’t Really Get to Know You Very Well… You Weren’t Outgoing Enough, You Didn’t Show Me Enough About You, You Didn’t Stick Out Enough and I Really Couldn’t Formulate an Opinion About You – It happens with every competition reality show: there’s a contestant that sticks around for a very long time by being in the middle of the pack, not really sucking but not really impressing either.  Sometimes, that person will come on camera in like week eight of the show, and viewers will be stunned, having no idea who that person is.  I looked into this club really, really hard, partially because I really liked the logo.  And you know, I just couldn’t find anything that good or that bad about it.  That meant it stuck around for a while, but now it’s time for this club to be eliminated.

Birmingham City

Based in: Bordesley District of Birmingham

Nicknames: The Blues

Motto: Keep Right on ’til the End of the Road

Rival: Aston Villa

2009-10 Finish: 9th in the Premiership.

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: Medium to high.  They just got back into the Premier League for the 2009-10 season, but… they managed to finish 9th, which is outstanding for first season after promotion.

Decent Looking Kit: Blue shirt with white details, white shorts for the home kit.  Reverse it for the away.  Okay.

Main Sponsor: F&C Investments, an investment firm.  Yawn.

Is the kit offered in a 4XL? They do!  And they’re relatively inexpensive.

Popularity Factor: Recovering popularity thanks to being back in the Premiership. Strong supporters groups that have, at times of financial difficulty, provided money for the club to add players. Pretty cool.  Doesn’t seem like their supporters reach much outside of Birmingham, though.

Recent History of Success / Trends: They came into the Premier League for the 2002-03 season, and have bounced in and out a few times since then.  Their latest spell in the EPL started this past season and they finished 9th.  Seems to be an upward trajectory but did they overachieve last year?

Ownership: Carson Yeung, a businessman from Hong Kong who made his fortune in penny stocks and casinos.

Seeing them in Person: Birmingham’s not difficult to get to, but it’s not exactly a tourist destination.  They play on a grounds called St. Andrew’s, a 30,000 seat stadium built in 1906.  They’ve got a relatively high average attendance compared to capacity, and tickets are reasonable at £22 per match.

Potential for a US tour: Unlikely unless they become Premier League mainstays.

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: Supporters call themselves “bluenoses.”  They’ve got a bit of a history of hooliganism, similar to West Ham’s supporters.  They’ve got a mascot that’s a dog.  The fans sing a lot of songs.  The thing I like best about it is the shield, which has a globe even though it looks like something put together by a first year design student.

American players: No Americans, mostly English with a couple of handfuls of internationals.  Maybe a better chance of international players once they’re in the EPL for a while?

Website quality: Are you serious?  This thing is straight out of 1999.  What the hell?  The store is a little nicer, but… jeez.

Celebrity supporters: I honestly don’t recognize any of these names.

In Sum: Birmingham City seems like a nice team and all, but… there just isn’t really anything that sticks out too much positive or negative.  Their shield is pretty cool, their website is pretty awful, and that’s just about all I could pull from this team as highlights, lowlights or anything in between.  That’s all I can really say… it just doesn’t stick out much.  It’s really gone under the radar this far by not sticking out, but that’s as far as it could go.

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And now, the rose ceremony.  Congratulations to the following sides:

Fulham, you get a rose….  

Aston Villa, you get a rose….

Chelsea, you get a rose…. 

Everton, you get a rose… 

And finally Arsenal, you also get a rose….  

Stay tuned for the next edition, when our final five are narrowed to two!

Isn’t this fun?

(it’s okay, you can shake your head.  To a reader, it’s probably like pulling teeth.)

UPDATE (August 6, 2010): I’ve finished the series and chosen my team.  If you like, you can click through to the other pages below:

• Divorcing Sport from Geography — Choosing an EPL Team
• Choosing an EPL Team, Part Two: First Sides Out
• Choosing an EPL Team, Part Three: A Rose Ceremony for the Final Five (this page)
• Choosing an EPL Team, Part Four: Choosing the Ultimate Two Finalists
• Choosing an EPL Team, Finale: This fall, I’m taking my talents to…

Choosing an EPL Team, Part Two: First Sides Out

I’m working to choose an English Premier League team.  In my last post, I discussed how I was going to determine which team to support.  Here are the teams that were thrown out in the first go-around, and I’ve put together an analysis to help explain my decisions so there’s a place people can go who face the same dilemma as I do.

This post, I’m going to cut the field in half, and tell 10 teams to pack their knives and go.  That means ten lucky clubs will get roses at this rose ceremony.  It’s a sad world, and a harsh world, but I had to cut it down somehow.  Here goes…

Category One: Immediate Relegation Threats – Basically, these teams were discounted because they seem to have a hefty chance at being relegated in the near future.  In recent years, teams that achieve promotion from the second tier often are relegated soon after.  This year is the first year of promotion for Blackpool, West Bromwich Albion and Newcastle United.  The other three in this category placed 15th through 17th this past year.  Is relegation a sure thing for any of these sides?  Well, no, but it’s a risk.

Blackpool

Based in: Blackpool, Lancashire (northern England)

Nicknames: The ‘Pool, Seasiders, Tangerines

Motto: Progress

Rival: Preston North End (in Championship)

2009-10 Finish: Placed 6th in the Championship (second tier), were promoted to Premier League buy winning a tournament between the third through sixth ranked teams.

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: Very high.  Snuck into EPL by getting hot during a playoff.  The official club website says, in its main banner: “The 44th Club to Play in the Premier League.”  How many teams have played in the Premier League since its beginning in 1992?  44.  Sounds like “We’re just happy to be here” to me.

Decent Looking Kit: Very orange, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Main Sponsor: Carbrini Sportswear by JD.  Totally harmless.

Is the kit offered in a 4XL? I may never know. The kits for 2010-2011 aren’t yet available for purchase, or even perusing on the incredibly broken Club Store website.

Popularity Factor:  Minimal popularity, so no bandwagon jumping here.  Seems to be pretty niche thus far, though.

Recent History of Success / Trends: Success is a new animal for this generation of Blackpool followers.  They were decent in the 1950s, then sank badly through the 1980s, getting as low as the Third Division (two tiers below the EPL) and languishing at the bottom of that league.  They almost declared bankruptcy in 1986 and sold their pitch to a supermarket.  They went back to the Third Division (which was now three tiers below EPL) in 2000, but returned to Second Division in 2001, Championship in 2007  and now are in the EPL for the first time.

Ownership: Owen Osyton, businessman and convicted rapist (Yikes!)…. and Valeri Belokon, a Latvian banker.

Seeing them in Person: Blackpool is definitely off the beaten path for an American tourist.  It’s near the northernmost part of England, and would require a train ride from London or Manchester to take in a game.  Its stadium is called Bloomfield Road, and it is the smallest in the Premier League in terms of number of seats (around 12,000).  It is currently under an expansion at the demand of the EPL to increase capacity to 18,000 or so.  It’s supposed to be one of the more intimate settings in the EPL right now. Prices?  Cheap seats around £25 (US$ 40) and going up from there.  Blackpool itself is a low-rent touristy place, a la Coney Island or some place that has seen its best days pass.  Looks fun to visit, but probably not something high on the list of places to see.

Potential for a US tour: Seems low, unless their current success trends continue.

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: Seems to be pretty high on the tradition factor.  Blackpool has a small stadium but rapid supporters, constantly drumming and singing through the games.  Shield is kind of cluttered, but it’s probably just old or something.

American players: None currently.  Entire roster is English, Welsh and Scots.  Not a bad thing, but there’s no one there that I’ve ever heard of.

Website quality: Very poor.  Don’t mind the color (the orange is… well, everywhere), but the function is crap.  Broken links and dead functions abound, and the thing takes forever to load.

Celebrity supporters: Apparently, just three people I’ve never ever heard of.

In Sum: Seems like a nice underdog story, like cheering for a 16 seed in the NCAA basketball tournament.  But, in those 1-16 games, 99% of them are blowouts, the other 1% are heartbreakers.  Underdog alone doesn’t do it.  Sorry, Blackpool.

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West Bromwich Albion

Based in: West Bromwich, West Midlands.

Nicknames: West Brom, The Baggies, Albion

Motto: Work conquers all.

Rivals: Aston Villa, Wolverhampton Wanderers

2009-10 Finish: 2nd in the Championship, automatically promoted.

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: High. The club has been in and out of the Premier League throughout the 2000s.

Decent Looking Kit: Downright classy kit, with dark blue stripes on white for the home, classy looking black on black stripes for the away.  Only thing is, that sponsor patch is god awful.  God awful…

Main Sponsor: HomeServe, which is “Britain’s Home Emergency Repair Experts.”  Makes it sound like a bunch of guys with plumber’s crack, but that could be worse.

Is the kit offered in a 4XL?  Yes, it does!

Popularity Factor: While not necessarily widely popular, the club boasts supporters clubs throughout the world in countries like Australia, Canada and Thailand, and heavy support in Black Country (area around Birmingham) and Scotland.  The club’s supporters have been voted the most loyal in Championship.  Seem to be a club for working class folk.

Recent History of Success / Trends: Generally on the up, having started the 1990s on the third tier and now bordering the Premier League and the Championship.  Seem stuck in that cycle of promotion and relegation.

Ownership:  Guy named Jeremy Peace, who’s apparently a stockbroker or something.

Seeing them in Person: They play at a place called The Hawthorns, a stadium built in 1900 that holds 26,500 people.  It’s just up the road from Birmingham, England’s second largest city, so it’s relatively easy  to get to for a tourist, even though it’s not exactly a tourist mecca.

Potential for a US tour: Like Blackpool, seems pretty low unless they become Premier League mainstays

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: Working class folk, mostly.  Like I mentioned, the club’s supporters have been voted the most loyal of all Championship fans.  That’s a pretty good honor, I think.  There’s also a tradition of getting dressed up in costumes and crashing the club’s last away game.  Pretty neat.  The shield is a pretty straightforward design as well, not too simple but not nearly as cluttered as say, Blackpool’s.

American players: None on the current roster, but the roster has a relatively large number of international players, so perhaps they’re open to the idea?

Website quality: Good.  The template is much like Blackpool’s, but everything seems to actually… work.  Shock and amaze!

Celebrity supporters:  The highlights?  Eric Clapton, Judas Priest and John McEnroe.  Interesting who football brings together.

In Sum: History says recent promotees are often recent demotees. Seems like a nice club with good supporters and nifty traditions, but the threat to relegation is just too great for a long-term relationship at this point.

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Wigan Athletic

Based in: Wigan, Greater Manchester

Nickname: Latics

Motto: Ancient and Loyal

Rivals: Bolton Wanderers, Preston North End (Championship), Oldham Athletic (League One – the third tier).

2009 Finish: 16th in the Premier League, just a point ahead of #17 West Ham.

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: Relatively high. The team’s only been around for 31 years in professional football, and just joined the Premiership for the 2005-06 season.

Decent Looking Kit: A classic look for both home and away… though the sponsor logo clashes enormously.

Main Sponsor: 188BET, which is a gambling operation based in the Isle of Man.  Seems a touch shady, though I know sports gambling is far more commonplace in… well, just about every country that’s not the United States.  Don’t know how comfortable I’d feel wearing it on match day in front of a class of moldable college student minds, though.  Wouldn’t Kennesaw Mountain Landis be rolling in his grave over that one, though… sports gambling advertised on sports jerseys?

Is the kit offered in a 4XL?  Sure does!

Popularity Factor: I’m not even sure if Wigan Athletic has any supporters.  Theirs is the only EPL Wikipedia entry for a team to not have a supporters section.  I guess that makes a little sense, since they joined league football in 1978, which is much much later than the other teams.

Recent History of Success / Trends:  Moved on up in the football world until joining the EPL in 2005-06.  They’ve been bottom-dwellers ever since, and have faced some pretty embarrassing losses to other EPL teams in that time.

Ownership: Dave Whelan, an entrepreneur who owns a chain of sportswear stores.  Good news: he did build the Latics up from a third-tier team to the EPL.  Bad news: he donated serious money to the UK’s Conservative Party.

Seeing them in Person: They’re in Manchester, which is easy enough to get to being England’s third largest metro area.  Their stadium is called DW Stadium, named after their owner, was built in 1999 and seats around 25,000 people.  Should be plenty of tickets available, though. Wigan Athletic typically has the home lowest attendance average in the EPL.

Potential for a US tour: Seems low at this point.  I don’t know if anyone would know who they were when they showed up.

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: Nothing listed on the various websites.  The shield is cute enough, I guess?  And the motto, “Ancient and Loyal,” for a team that’s been in professional football since 1978?  Isn’t that like how Fox News always calls itself “Fair and Balanced”?

American players: None, but a surprisingly diverse roster full of international players.  Certainly an American wouldn’t be a reach.  Don’t recognize anyone, though.

Website quality: Different template than the others, and somewhat effective.  Some broken links and some issues loading pictures.

Celebrity supporters: Mikhail Gorbachev.  That’s it.

In Sum: If I was just starting into baseball, would I choose the Tampa Bay Devil Rays as my team?  There’s a good chance of relegation, and just not a lot of tradition with this side.

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Wolverhampton Wanderers

Based in: Wolverhampton, West Midlands.

Nicknames: Wolves, The Wanderers

Motto: Out of darkness cometh light.

Rival: West Bromwich Albion

2009 Finish: 15th in Premier League, just 39 points in 38 games.

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: Relatively high.  It’s happened before, and it could happen again.  They’re teetering on the edge.

Decent Looking Kit: Home kit is orange and black, which makes me think of nothing but Halloween.  Away kit is all black, which certainly helps them with the metalheads and the goth kids (and perhaps that’s where the Scandinavian link comes in!)

Main Sponsor: Sportingbet.com, which is, you guessed it, another sports betting website.

Is the kit offered in a 4XL? They apparently offer 4XL at times, but every shirt has it showing as out of stock.  Fail.

Popularity Factor: Relatively popular squad, with clubs all over the world.  Apparently very popular in Scandinavia… but then, so is death metal.

Recent History of Success / Trends: An old club that had a rough ride through the 1970s and 1980s, and ending up in the Fourth Division for a while. The Wolves came came back to the Premiership for the 2003-04 season… and were promptly demoted back to the Championship the next year.  They came back to the EPL again for 2009-10 and finished 15th.  Seems to be a slightly upward moving trajectory, even if its ten steps forward and nine steps back.

Ownership: Some guy named Steve Morgan, who’s listed on Wikipedia as a businessman and philanthropist.  Made his money in construction, it seems.

Seeing them in Person: They’re just up the road from Birmingham, so no problems getting there, even though Birmingham may not be the first destination on the mind of an American tourist.  They play in Molineaux Stadium, which has been around since 1889 and seats just under 30,000.

Potential for a US tour: Possible.  They’ve apparently got a few supporters clubs in the US and could use an image boost.  To some in the states, their kits, colors and logo might be badass enough to spark an interest in EPL.  Cheap seats are £30 (US$44) which seems high.

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: They have a player who breathes fire at the start of a match, like the thing LeBron used to do with his chalk, only fire is way cooler.  They’ve got a fan parliament which brings fan issues before the ownership, also pretty cool.  And like so many EPL clubs, they’ve got the songs and tifo and so on that you’d expect.  Not totally sold on the shield, seems too simplistic, but I guess it’s original.

American players: One, a keeper named Marcus Hahnemann, who played on the US team in 1994.

Website quality: Website’s a lot like Wigan’s, but it’s also a bit of a mess.

Celebrity supporters: Eric Idle, Jimmy Page and Robert Plant, among others.

In Sum: A pretty cool club with a neat niche image that they seem to be going for, though they’ll always make me think of Halloween.  Again, they’ve got too high of a chance at relegation for me to be comfortable in the long term.

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Category Two: The Crazy Weird Uncles – After further review, these teams just kind of seem like they’re a mess.  No offense to them or their supporters, but they just seem a bit weird and a bit dysfunctional.  I wouldn’t date a girl that everyone described using those words, and I wouldn’t pick a sports club that way either.

Newcastle United

Based in: Newcastle upon Tyne, North East England.  Way the hell north, near Scotland.

Nicknames: The Toon, The Magpies

Motto: Triumphing by brave defense.

Rival: Sunderland AFC

2009-10 Finish: First in the Championship, automatic promotion to the Premier League.

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: History says relatively high, but history is probably wrong here.  Since the Premier League broke off from the Football Association in 1992, recently promoted teams have a higher chance of being relegated soon after promotion, if not in the first season, then after a second season slump.  There’s even a Wikipedia article on the phenomenon. Nothing against Newcastle itself, but the risk is there.  Newcastle, though, doesn’t have the same history as a typical Championship team, having spent much of the 1990s and 2000s in the Premiership.  They were just relegated for 2009 and came back for 2010.  And they destroyed the Championship on the way, having wrapped up an automatic promotion with six games left in the season.

Decent Looking Kit: Home looks like of like a referee from American football, black and white stripes.  Hrm… Away is a relatively inoffensive blue.

Main Sponsor: See, I had hoped it would be Newcastle Brown Ale, because that stuff is delicious and how cool would it be to be sponsored by a beverage company?  Well, while Newcastle is originated in Newcastle upon Tyne, they aren’t the primary sponsor of the club. The current club sponsor is Northern Rock, which is best known as being the “first bank [in Britain] in 150 to suffer a bank run.”  Ouch.

Is the kit offered in a 4XL?  Nope, 3XL is as large as they go.  Fail.

Popularity Factor: Doesn’t seem terribly popular as a club, though apparently a 2007 survey said that supporters of Newcastle United were most likely to make large sacrifices to attend the games.  The supporters are called, as a bunch, the Toon Army, which sounds like some sort of scary version of Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Recent History of Success / Trends: Newcastle’s been a damn soap opera, it looks like. Owners that sack successful managers, refuse to spend money on players, and wonder why the team fails.  From all indications, it looks like Newcastle’s recent fall from EPL’s challengers is a result of this drama.

Ownership: Mike Ashley, who sells sporting goods.  That seems harmeless enough.  But read about his ability to guide this club…. seems like a fool.

Seeing them in Person: Newcastle upon Tyne is way off the beaten path for an American tourist, unless you’re hitting Scotland on the same trip as a trip to England.  They pay in St. James’ Park in Newcastle upon Tyne, which has over 52,000 seats and is the third largest football stadium in England.  Tickets as low as £20 (about US$33), which seems to be the norm, but those tickets at Newcastle are way, wayyyy up.  The stadium does have a bar called “Shearer’s Bar,” which is not Shears, but is close… it’s named after a former player and manager, but it’s fun to think it might be named after me in a vain attempt to gain my support for the club, haha.

Potential for a US tour: Higher than the other two recent promotees, for sure… as long as ownership gets its act together.

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc:  Newcastle’s been around forever. The supporters are called the Toon Army, which I still think is funny.  Newcastle frequently has the highest rate of fans traveling to see away games, and protests when the club makes an unpopular decision (which, apparently, pretty often these days).

American players: Totally dominated by English players, with a couple of Argentines and a couple of Spaniards.  No American in sight, and no name I recognize from the World Cup.

Website quality:  Pretty much the same as Wolverhampton’s.  Similar template, good functionality.  Everything works.

Celebrity supporters: Sting, Tony Blair… and a handful of people I’ve never heard of.

In Sum: A very nice history, but a really messed up relationship with the owner and an emotionally draining past couple decades in terms of ownership incompetence and malignancy.  No shirts in my size, and way, wayyyy off the beaten path for a trip.  No thanks.

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West Ham United

Based in: Upton Park, East London (in the London metro area)

Nicknames: The Academy of Football, The Hammers, The Irons

Motto: Doesn’t seem to have one.  Closest thing I found was “We are forever” on some of the graphics on their official website.

Rivals: West Ham has plenty… Millwall (League One) historically. Sheffield United (now in the Championship, was in the EPL at the time) recently because of a contract dispute in 2007.  And with the other London clubs Arsenal, Tottenham Hotspur and Chelsea.

2009-10 Finish: 17th in the Premiership.  At least they avoided relegation by five points?  Only scored 35 points in 38 games though.  You get three for a win, one for a draw.  Ay…

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: Relatively high. West Ham’s on a downward trajectory and by some accounts, its ownership is broke.  It was fighting to stave off relegation throughout the 2009-10 season.  Its main sponsor bought its only free agent for them that year, which is downright dysfunctional.  Yikes.

Decent Looking Kit: Home and away kits are both downright classy looking.  Nice color scheme, and I like the baby blue.  Looks great on the San Diego Chargers, looks great on West Ham.

Main Sponsor:  Sbobet, which is a gambling company based in the Philippines.  Again, it boggles my mind.

Is the kit offered in a 4XL?  Forget 4XL… this thing comes in 5XL!  Sweet!

Popularity Factor: It seems, from the websites I’ve come across, that no one is a West Ham supporter unless they’re born into it.  And hooligans seem to abound amongst West Ham supporters, despite the fact that they’ve been marginalized everywhere else in English football since the 1990s.  The club’s Wikipedia page is the only EPL team that I’ve found with its own section dedicated to discussing hooligans. Seems a bit… what’s the word?  Dysfunctional.

Recent History of Success / Trends: They’ve been in and out of the Premiership since its founding, and are on a solidly downward trajectory since nearly reaching the Champions League in 2005-06.  They’ve gotten really bad in the past two seasons.  Seems like a sinking ship to me.

Ownership: Okay, given what we’ve said so far about West Ham, this is totally unsurprising: sixty percent of the club is owned by pornographers, Daniel Sullivan and David Gold.  Dysfunctional?  Well, frightening at least.  Also, they run the team in a less-than-ethical way.  They were fined by the FA in 2007 for the equivalent of free-agent tampering.

Seeing them in Person: West Ham is based at Boleyn Ground, also called Upton Park after the neighborhood it’s in.  It was built in 1904 but has been renovated substantially since then.  It’s got over 35,000 seats and is squarely in East London, which means it’s easy to get to, and it’s in a city that is certainly a tourist destination.  I’d be scared to death of making the other supporters and potential hooligans mad with my poseury, though.

Potential for a US tour: Relatively high, I guess?  They went on a US tour in 2008, playing friendlies at several MLS clubs.  Of course, during this time, West Ham supporters got into a brawl during a match with (of all clubs) the Columbus Crew.  A bit… dysfunctional.  Who knows if they’ll be invited back?

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: Plenty of dedicated fans, plenty of singing and plenty of hooligans.  They burned David Beckham in effigy after a game where he was sent off for a foul in 1999 and have booed him heartily every time since.  These folks don’t seem to forget.  Reminds me of the hardest core Phillies fans.

American players: Yes, one American, Jonathan Spector, who helped the US shock the world by beating Egypt, Spain and taking Brazil to the brink in the FA Confederations Cup in 2009.  Also, plenty of international players mean this team isn’t afraid of bringing in Americans.

Website quality: Same template as Wigan, but very effective and it works great.

Celebrity supporters: Apparently, West Ham calls Dave Grohl, Rod Stewart, John Cleese and Lennox Lewis amongst its supporters. And maybe Queen Elizabeth too?  Not bad!

In Sum: To someone who’s followed English football for a while, they might just be used to the weirdness that is West Ham. To an outsider (me) looking in, everything about this team is the weirdest I’ve ever seen in professional sports.  Pornographer owners, hooligans, gambling websites buying players… just weird.  Plus, I think I’d be scared for my life at one of the matches.  Run away!

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Category Three: They’re Just Too Good and Too Popular – As I said in my entry detailing what I was looking for in a team, I don’t like being a bandwagon jumper, and I don’t like being a frontrunner.  Enough said.

Manchester United

Based in: Old Trafford, Greater Manchester

Nicknames: The Red Devils

Motto: Apparently, none.

Rivals: Liverpool’s the biggest one, but also rivals to Manchester City (the other club in Manchester) and Leeds United (Championship).

2009-10 Finish: 2nd in Premier League, just one point behind Chelsea, the champion.

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: None. Better chance of hell freezing over.

Decent Looking Kit: Classic red and white home kit.  Not sure what they’re thinking on the away, with the black shirt and a blue check mark.  Kind of stupid looking.

Main Sponsor:  Aon, an insurance company.  Yawn…. Last year, it was AIG, so I guess Aon is an improvement.

Is the kit offered in a 4XL?  They do.  I would hope that the most popular sports club in the world would recognize the possibility of there being fat fans.  Their shirts are the most expensive I’ve come across, though, running £44.99 (US$70) for the shirt, plus an extra £6 (US$9.50) for an EPL patch.  Steep.

Popularity Factor:  Off the charts popular.  Most popular team in the world, and in effect, second most valuable sports team in the world after the New York Yankees.  Many people with a passing interest in the EPL choose ManU by default, because they’re the best!  No thanks.

Recent History of Success / Trends: Since the Premier League was founded in 1992, ManU has won 11 titles, and three FIFA Club World Cups. Gulp.

Ownership: Malcolm Glazer, an American businessman who made his money in food processing.  He also owns the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  ManU fans were pissed when an American bought their team, but he hasn’t really changed their winning ways.

Seeing them in Person: In Manchester, so easy enough to get to given that it’s the UK’s third largest city. They play in a stadium called Old Trafford, which was built in 1909 and holds nearly 76,000 people, the second largest in England after Wembley in London.  Cheap seats are £38.00 (nearly US$60.00) and are far from the pitch. Meh.

Potential for a US tour: Very high.  They did it just this year, playing friendlies against several international teams, dropping a friendly to the Kansas City Wizards of the MLS (really?) and then mopping the floor with the MLS All-Stars.

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: Winning, and supporters being obnoxious about it.  Flooding opponents’ stadiums with supporters.  Much like the New York Yankees.  I just can’t get behind this.

American players: None.  Strong international flavor, and I wouldn’t put an American player out of reach given the American owner. Plenty of names I recognize from the World Cup.  Deep pockets grant the team that privilege.

Website quality:  Perhaps one of the best in the Premier League.  Tons of information, well-organized, ready to go.  Helps to have tons of money, I guess.

Celebrity supporters: Nelson Mandela, Tom Cruise (the actor, not the inventor of the Hoveround), Usain Bolt, Posh Spice, Paul Mitchell, Justin Timberlake, Orlando Bloom, Bill Clinton, Nicolas Sarkozy… among like a zillion others.

In Sum: The most popular team in the world, and the most successful in the EPL.  No thank you, no no no.

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Liverpool

Based in: Liverpool, Merseyside.

Nicknames: The Reds

Motto: You’ll never walk alone.

Rivals: Manchester United’s the big one, while Everton, the other side in Liverpool is an intracity rival.

2009-10 Finish: 7th in Premier League

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: Very slim.  Founding member of the Premier League that’s never been relegated.  Haven’t been out of the top division since the 1960s.

Decent Looking Kit: Home kit is all red (hence the team’s nickname), away kit is white with black shorts, red accents. Simple, elegant.  It works.

Main Sponsor: Standard Chartered, a bank based in London that specializes in undeveloped markets, such as Africa and Asia.  Seems a little neocolonialist to me… A while ago it was Carlsberg, which in my opinion is far cooler.

Is the kit offered in a 4XL?  Nope, 3XL is as large as they go.

Popularity Factor: Plenty of fans, given their decades of success.  Usually average the highest attendance per stadium capacity of all EPL clubs.  They’ve got supporter clubs all over the world.  Not as popular as ManU, but quite popular.

Recent History of Success / Trends: They are the most decorated team in English football history.  But… they’ve never won the Premiership.

Ownership: A couple of Americans – Tom Hicks, a venture capitalist and owner of the Texas Rangers and Dallas Stars.  George Gillett Jr, a junk bond entrepreneur, which is a shady way to make money.

Seeing them in Person: Liverpool is next to Manchester, so not difficult to get to.  Liverpool plays in a stadium called Anfield, which holds 45,000 people and was built in 1884.  Creepiness factor: it was the site of the the Hillsbrough Disaster in 1989 when the stadium was overcrowded and people were trampled, killing 96 folks.  Thanks to commenter Phil for clearing this up for me.  The Hillsborough Disaster in 1989 was actually at Hillsborough, the stadium for Sheffield Wednesday, not at Anfield.  My confusion came from the fact that most of the fans that were killed were Liverpool fans.  Anfield has never had such a disaster.  Sorry Liverpool fans, and my condolences for that horrible day.

Potential for a US tour: Relatively high.  Solid EPL team, not unlikely to draw crowds in the US, and American owners.

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: Isn’t “You’ll Never Walk Alone” from Carousel?  Ick.

American players: None right now, but perhaps the most international roster in the EPL.

Website quality: Very nice, useful website with plenty of information that’s easy to find.

Celebrity supporters: What a crowd! Dr. Dre, Elvis Costello, Mike Myers, Samuel L. Jackson, and Billy Bob Thornton.  Nice!

Sum: Historically good and a solid fanbase, just seem a bit too popular to me.  They don’t have a shirt in my size, either.  Sorry, Liverpool.

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Category Four: I Can’t Imagine Ever Spending Money to Visit These Towns – Now, before I get hate-mail from supporters of these teams, please remember that it’s nothing personal.  I’ve spend my entire life in the industrial wastelands of the midwestern United States and I know depressing places very well.  But, if I’m going to eventually make a pilgrimage to England to watch my new team, I just can’t imagine spending money to go to these towns anymore than I could imagine spending money to visit Muncie, Indiana… which ironically is my hometown (point being, if I have to be someplace miserable in my downtime, I’d at least like to see my parents while I’m there!)

Sunderland AFC

Based in: Sunderland, Tyne and Wear, way the hell up by Newcastle Upon Tyne.

Nicknames: The Mackems, The Black Cats

Motto: In pursuit of excellence

Rival: Newcastle United

2009-10 Finish: 13th in Premier League

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: Medium.  They’ve done fairly well during this spell in the Premier League, solidifying their side into the middle of the pack.

Decent Looking Kit: Home kit has a red-and-white striped shirt over black shorts. Away kit is a white shirt with red shorts. Simple.  And the sponsor logo doesn’t clash ridiculously, so bonus points!

Main Sponsor: Tombola, which advertises itself as “Britain’s Biggest Online Bingo Site.”  Good grief, I had no idea such a thing existed.

Is the kit offered in a 4XL? Nope.

Popularity Factor: Dedicated supporters from the northern reaches of England give Sunderland the fifth highest average attendance in the Premier League.  There are supporters groups throughout England and in the US and Canada.  So, reasonably popular but certainly not one of the most popular in the EPL or anything.

Recent History of Success / Trends: They bounced in and out of the Premier League in the late 1990s into the early 2000s.  They were promoted to the Premier League the last time in 2007, and they’ve been finishing better each season.  Generally an upward trajectory.

Ownership: Owned by Ellis Short, another American owner, who made his money buying out and liquidating failed businesses.

Seeing them in Person: They play in a relatively new stadium called Stadium of Light, which seats 49,000. Matches against non-premium opponents are as cheap as £23 (US$36) but that goes up to £32 (US$50) for the likes of ManU, Liverpool or Chelsea. They play in Sunderland, which is not exactly a vacation destination.  In fact, it seems as exciting as a trip to Dayton, Ohio.

Potential for a US tour: American owner, but not exactly a side Americans will be breaking down the turnstiles to see… so who knows?

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: They were good for a while until the 1950s, and basically suffered for 40 years.  The fact that they still have supporters that still come to the games reminds me of the Cleveland Browns or the Chicago Cubs.

American players: None. England-heavy roster with some a couple mainland Euros, a couple South Americans and a couple of Irish.  No one I really recognize from the World Cup, either.

Website quality: Very nice, very effective template offering a great amount of information.  Good.  The store’s kind of a mess, though.

Celebrity supporters: Paul McCartney’s one-legged ex-wife, Sugar Ray Lewis… and that’s about it.

In Sum: Decent, likable enough, but it’s way off the beaten path, no shirts in my size,and seems like more effort to follow these guys than it’s worth.

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Stoke City

Based in: Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire (in the middle of everything, but not near anything).

Nicknames: The Potters

Motto: None, apparently.   Update: Vis Unita Fortior (“United Strength is Stronger”), thanks to Stoke fans for submitting the info.

Rival: Port Vale (League Two, the fourth tier of English football) and to a lesser extent, West Bromwich Albion.

2009-10 Finish: 11th in Premier League

Now, the important factors…

Chance of Relegation: Medium to low.  Just promoted for 2008-09, and have worked their way into the middle of the Premier League, finishing 12th their first season and 11th the next.

Decent Looking Kit: Home includes a red and white striped shirt, similar to Sunderland’s, with white shorts.  Away kit, which may be one of my favorite this far, is all blue, and a beautiful shade. Very nice kit.

Main Sponsor: Brittania, a bank.  Meh.

Is the kit offered in a 4XL? Nope, only to XXL.  Shame, because I really like this kit.

Popularity Factor: Stoke City has a very loyal fanbase, but the fanbase seems to be specifically local.  Few supporters clubs elsewhere in England and internationally.  A very niche market.

Recent History of Success / Trends: Spent most of the 1990s and the 2000s in the Championship league and earned promotion for 2008-09.  They’ve shown respectably in the Premiership and seem poised for a big step in the positive direction.

Ownership: Peter Coates, who made is wad by running a gambling website.  Bought the club for only £1.7 million in 2005.  Not a bad investment.

Seeing them in Person: Stoke-On-Trent is right between Manchester and Birmingham… so like I said, it’s in the middle of everything but near nothing.  The city itself doesn’t exactly inspire dreams of visiting from what I’ve read.  Brittania Stadium a relatively new deal, built in 1997 and holds 28,000.  They always sell out, it seems.

Potential for a US tour: Seems relatively low, but again, who knows?  They haven’t done it yet, but maybe they’ll try anything to get out of Stoke-on-Trent for a few days?

Tradition, motto, tifo, etc: Wikpedia says that Stoke City has a long storied history of hooliganism, and extremely passionate fans.  However, it also says that they’ve cleaned up their act and now get discriminated against by cops and such.  Hmm.

American players: None.  Not terribly many international players either, and no one I recognize from the World Cup (though, admittedly, England’s team didn’t last long, haha).

Website quality: Same template as West Ham, et al., and it’s a bit clunky in how it operates.

Celebrity supporters: Stephen Foster, but not the cool American one.

In Sum: Stoke City’s location mostly kills it for me.  I can’t imagine spending all that money necessary to go to England and end up spending my time in the middle of no where. Beyond that, they’re apparently vehemently anti-fat people (only up to 2XL, in some of the nicest kits in the EPL too).  Blech.

________________________________

So, there you have it.  The first ten sides, eliminated from this “competition” with exhaustive details provided to aid dumb American folks (like me) who are seeking an EPL team.  So, the question is, who is left? In alphabetical order:

• Arsenal
• Aston Villa
• Birmingham City
• Blackburn Rovers
• Bolton Wanderers
• Chelsea
• Everton
• Fulham
• Manchester City
• Tottenham Hotspur

Part three will cut it down even more, so come on back in a few days!

UPDATE TWO (August 6, 2010): I’ve finished the series and chosen my team.  If you like, you can click through to the other pages below:

• Divorcing Sport from Geography — Choosing an EPL Team
• Choosing an EPL Team, Part Two: First Sides Out (this page)
• Choosing an EPL Team, Part Three: A Rose Ceremony for the Final Five
• Choosing an EPL Team, Part Four: Choosing the Ultimate Two Finalists
• Choosing an EPL Team, Finale: This fall, I’m taking my talents to…

Divorcing Sport from Geography – Choosing an English Premier League Team

I mentioned this at one point a while back, and I asked the world for a little help.  I’m going to try out following the English Premier League this year, because the last five World Cups have totally fascinated me and after this year, I’m completely hooked.  The problem I was facing, though, was that I had no idea about any of the teams in the EPL, let alone which one to support, and I put out a call asking for some advice.  Honestly, I didn’t get much response explaining which isn’t surprising considering that my blog is read by approximately 3.4 people (give or take 0.4) and assumedly the English Premier League of association football isn’t really much of interest to those folk.  The limited answers I did get were all on Twitter (thank you Tweeps) and mentioned only four teams: Manchester United, Chelsea, Everton and Chesterfield.  Honestly, I had only heard of the first two of those before I asked for a little help.

Picking a sports team, in any sport, is a peculiar activity for anyone to embark upon this late in life.  Typically, sports are something that come early on, strongly influenced by the affiliations of our families or our locations when we come of age.  Some combination of history, geography and autobiography typically play key roles in the determination.  In my case, I grew up in Indiana.  My parents never really cared much for sports.  My grandmother, though, was a baseball fanatic and I spent countless summer evenings on her lap or next to her on the couch, watching the Cincinnati Reds.  Now, the Reds were the team closest to where she had lived her entire life, so certainly geography played a role in her decision, but as a result I grew up as the only Reds fan in a school full of Cubbie blue.  She also was an avid fan of the Indiana Pacers from their inception, so they became my basketball team growing up.  She never much liked football, so I chose a team by geographic default, the Indianapolis Colts, because they were the closest and the ones always on television.   Hockey was never important in Indiana, so I never bothered to see a game until I was a year into my PhD.  I still haven’t chosen a hockey team, though I’m waiting until we’re settled so I can choose one based on geography.  My patterns aren’t atypical.  Most people choose based on familial affiliations, teams that are nearby, or teams that are good (and therefore often on television) when they come of age to care about sports.

But now, back to my peculiar problem.  Here I am, 28 years old, and I’ve basically decided to throw myself into a sports league that I barely knew existed a few months back.  I’ve watched every World Cup since the one in the U.S. (1994) and I’m finally ready to take the next step, from being a once-every-four-year sport to something I follow more.  I would follow the local league, the MLS, but I’ve heard (and yes, observed) that the level of play leaves a lot to be desired.  It’s okay for what it is.  But maybe I’ll come back to that if my obsession with footie continues.  So, I’m going with the league called the strongest in the world, the English Premier League.  Little problem, though.  I’m not in England.  I’m about 3600 miles from the home pitch of the closest EPL team.  No one in my family and very few people I know even recognize the EPL to exist.  I’ve got no history, no geography and no autobiography to use to figure out which team to support.

This is not without precedent on the web.  ESPN columnist Bill Simmons famously analyzed a number of pieces of fan mail and other resources on the tail of the the last World Cup in 2006.  He chose Tottenham Hotspur as his team after his thorough investigation.  I’m not reinventing the wheel here, and in fact I’m sure I owe a good bit to his piece — though, beyond drawing the link above, I haven’t revisited it since it was first published, specifically so I could ensure as fresh a take on it as possible.  I certainly don’t have the fanbase he has to draw from, so getting supporter opinions is nearly impossible unless I wade into the awful online bulletin board forums, and I’m not going there.  All I’ve got is the culmination of some online research, some YouTube videos, my limited World Cup background and familiarity with those players, and…. that’s about it.  So, what I’ve got to do is see if I can come up with a side that matches my personal needs and requirements for a sports team.

What would I like to see in my new team?  Here’s my list, ranked from most important to least important.

• A good chance of staying in the top flight (the EPL) and not getting relegated. First of all, what is this “relegation” thing?  The bottom three teams of the EPL each year are sent down to a lower tier of competition, while the top three teams from that lower tier get promoted to the EPL.  I’m not saying my team has to be good (my following of the Pacers pre-1993, the Colts pre-1998, and the Reds post-1999 should be evidence of this) but I can’t have a team that gets relegated.  The issue?  If a team is relegated to the second tier, there’s no chance of getting the games on TV in the US.  It’s a logistical thing, and it’s probably the most important of them all because I can’t follow a team that I can’t watch… it’s a deal-breaker if a team is one foot in the second tier, another foot on a banana peel.
• Decent looking kits (uniforms). If a team has a terrible, terrible uniform, it’s difficult to take them seriously.  I’m sorry.  Think about the mid-1990s Houston Rockets, the 1970s San Diego Padres, the 1980s Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  Ew.  Part of this stems from the fact that I want to buy a shirt, and wear it proudly.  At the same time, they can’t have ads from sponsors that I find to be evil.  If a team had “Microsoft” or “Comcast” or “Halliburton” or something like that plastered across their chest, I don’t want any part of it, and I don’t want to wear it when my shirt arrives.
• Offering shirts in my size (4XL). If I’m going to be a true supporter, I want to show my colors, and hopefully not ugly ones (as I said in the last point).  So, I’m a big dude.  Sell me a big shirt if you want me amongst your supporters.
• They can’t be too popular or too good.  I don’t like the idea of getting involved with a team that’s too popular or too good.  Sure, maybe following the EPL just now, and from a distance, makes me a bandwagon jumper, I get that…. but I don’t want to be a front-runner either.  Remember when LeBron James kept wearing Yankees gear to Indians games, and Cowboys gear to Browns games?  People didn’t like it, not because of disloyalty, but because the kid from Akron had chosen his teams based on who was good or popular when he was a kid.  I don’t want to be a that-guy…. a guy who loves the Yankees, U2, and American Idol because they’re the most popular in what they are.  Barf on that.
• At the same time, they can’t be so narrow in following that I stick out like a sore thumb. Who knows if there’s a club like this, but if only old English dudes named Nigel who live in Leicester are allowed to root for this team, I’m not going to get up in their recipe and screw things up.  I’m also not going to potentially subject myself to hooliganism if supporters poke me out as a total poseur.  There is a social aspect of following sports, and I’d like to be able to at some points come across fellow supporters, even if it’s just some dude in an airport bar sometime I’m stuck on layover.
• And beyond that, I’d like them to have a chance of succeeding at least occasionally. If they’re just a little too good for relegation but always end up placing 16th in the league, that’s pretty boring.
• Ownership that’s not (a) douchebag(s). Marge Schott.  Art Modell.  Robert Irsay.  All jerks.  All made their teams less likable as a result.  I don’t want an owner that’s there to screw the players, the supporters, or is there to be a general embarrassment.  I grew up with teams that had bad owners, and I’ve seen too much of that kind of animosity while living in Northeast Ohio.  I’d prefer for my potentially lifelong foray into the EPL to be a vacation away from that kind of crap.
• Accessibility for a potential future trip. Is the club located in a city that I can relatively easily fly into from the U.S. for a match sometime in the next couple of years?  I’ve gone at least a few times each to watch each of my teams in person.  I don’t want that to be an impossibility.  It’d be nice if the city was a worthy destination as well.  And a decent home pitch, one with idiosyncrasies or character, that’d be nice too.
• Potential for an American tour.  The past few seasons, various EPL teams have toured the US and played against MLS teams as part of their exhibition preseason.  I’d like to hit up my team if they make it across the pond.
• Tradition.  It’d be nice to have a storied tradition to learn about, to understand as much as possible.  I don’t know if “expansion teams” exist in English football, but I’d prefer to avoid them if they do.  A long history of winning isn’t necessary, but some winning way back when would be nice.  Does the team have an awesome nickname, a cool shield, an inspiring motto, fun songs sung by the supporters, or nifty tifo?  Might make the squad more endearing.
• American players on the roster, or at least no aversion to American players.  I’d like there to be someone I could come somewhat close to relating to on the team.  It’s also an underdog thing.  How in the world can an American get good enough at football to make it in the EPL?  No idea, but it sounds like an intriguing story and something to root for.  If no American players, do they at least have someone I’ve heard of or watched play in the World Cup this past year?  That’d be nice, instead of jumping into a lineup of perfect strangers.
• Good, well-designed official website that includes plenty of information. It’s 2010.  If you don’t have a good website at this point, there’s no help for you.  How else am I to follow a team from a distance without such a resource?
• Celebrity Supporters.  Not terribly important, but I think this can serve as a proxy for understanding what kind of people might support the squad.  Are the celebrity supporters generally likable folk?  That helps a little.  Just a little, actually.  This is barely worth even mentioning, but whatever.  I guess this is most important if their supporter roster includes a bunch of jerks.  “Oh, Team X is supported by Bono, Rush Limbaugh, and Carrot Top?  Fail…”

I think that’s everything.  Stay tuned for a more in-depth analysis of the teams using these criteria in my next post, to be rolled out tomorrow.

UPDATE: I just looked at the Bill Simmons piece again for the first time in four years.  And yeah, there’s a shit-ton of overlap in our methods.  We’re both Americans jumping into a mostly unfamiliar sports league, so there was bound to be some of it…. and yeah, I did read his piece back then so it undoubtedly influenced me.  But, we value certain criteria differently, and I have more criteria that he doesn’t have.  Whatever, I’m ripping the guy off, no doubt.  Everything that’s good has been done, right?  Poop.

UPDATE TWO (August 6, 2010): I’ve finished the series and chosen my team.  If you like, you can click through to the other pages below:

• Divorcing Sport from Geography — Choosing an EPL Team (this page)
• Choosing an EPL Team, Part Two: First Sides Out
• Choosing an EPL Team, Part Three: A Rose Ceremony for the Final Five
• Choosing an EPL Team, Part Four: Choosing the Ultimate Two Finalists
• Choosing an EPL Team, Finale: This fall, I’m taking my talents to…

A New Sport for Me?

The last five World Cups now, since the one in the US in 1994, I’ve been watching with a great amount of interest. I’ve enjoyed them substantially, honestly, every time. However, I thought that these sporting events were something like the Winter Olympics for me, something that is interesting on a once-every-four-years time frame, but any more would be too much.

Five World Cups in to my watching, I think it’s time to reassess that. I think it’s time to follow association football a little more closely.

It’s time to adopt a team. Or two.

Yes, the easiest to adopt would be an MLS team. But in association football, the US’s professional league isn’t tops in the world. It’s not even tops in the continent (see Primera División in Mexico). Beyond that, a “local” allegiance would require that my location be set. It’s not going to be, at least not until I get that tenure-track job. Much like my allegiance for the NHL, I’m gonna have to wait on this one until I get permanently situated.

So, I’ll be totally counterintuitive for a geographer: I need to create an allegiance based on attributes other than location.

I’ve decided that I will start following the English Premier League.

Why? It’s one of the strongest football leagues in the world, with the best talent, the best competition, heated rivalries, and clubs with a century or more of tradition. Its games are once weekly (Saturdays) and its broadcasts are readily available worldwide. Importantly, the broadcasts are commentated in English, which is important since that is the only language I speak with any fluency.

So, the question is, which club in the English Premier League to support.

Any ideas?

If so, tell me, and give me some reasons behind your argument.